Football The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Sparty Rock Anthem “Quarterbacks are Shufflin’…”
A good reporter always maintains contact with his sources because he never knows where or when a great story lives. Me? If as I was stretched out on the couch watching something on TV I’ve seen eleven times, someone dropped a story 98% written that only needed a couple of facts checked and a headline, I’d that consider that “investigative reporting”. So when my phone rang earlier this week and I saw it was the Club Doorman, I knew the price of admission was about to go up.
My notes from that phone conversation: Doorman’s girlfriend. Halloween party. LMFAO themed. Needs costumes. Now.
Luckily for me my next-door-neighbor’s-best-friend’s-sister-in-law’s-cousin’s-barber’s-grandnephew works at costume shop and when I showed up at the Club with a slew of Redfoo and Sky Blu wigs & glasses and a Shuffle-Bot outfit the Doorman turned to wave to an imaginary friend and I slipped in and hid the microphones.
Here is the transcript from the meeting.
Moderator: It was an interesting week last week with a few major upsets and many “closer-than-expected” games played, but as the calendar turns toward October and non-conference games end, we head to the main course of the season—Conference Play. Specifically Big 10 Conference Play. And this season the Buckeyes mark 100 years of Big Ten football. We’ll have the first league representative join us later today, but we’ll begin with the roll: Dysert?
Maynard: Yes sir, I’m here.
Moderator: And finally, Jonathon Perry?
Perry : Hello.
Moderator: Welcome back Jonathon. Your Blazers were one of the teams that surprised the experts last week by giving the Buckeyes all they could handle. While we acknowledge your efforts, the fact remains, you lost the game and as a result you’re now officially a member of the Club. Congratulations.
Perry: Thanks, I guess.
Dysert: Way to humbly accept your current lot in life. You’ll come to appreciate this place. This is week four for me, I’m the elder statesman. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Perry: Can you get mesome of those stuffed mushrooms over on the buffet table?
Moderator: Jonathon,you seemed to change up your offense quite drastically during the game. Can you comment on that?
Perry: Well we wanted to give Ohio State new looks and
Austin Brown: I’ll take over from here Jonathon. Yes, we did bring a diverse package to Columbus last week. We started with Jonathon and our traditional look and then quickly changed to more of a spread offense that I led. We went up-tempo and spread them out. I was 21-35 for 196 yards.
Bortles: Who the hell is this guy?
Moderator: This is Austin Brown a redshirt freshman QB from UAB who saw his first substantial action of the season versus the Bucks.
Brown: Perry played the first quarter and then I finished up the game.
Bortles: So he’s like a quarter-quarterback and you’re a three quarter-quarterback. Put you together and what do you get, one quarterback? I’m confused. They both have to be here?
Moderator: Both played. Both lost. Both here.
Bortles: Can we try andmesh them together? Perry Brown orJonathon Austin?
Maynard: I like that. Jonathon Austin. Perry Brown sounds like a country and western band but Jonathon Austin sounds like a spy or secret agent. Jonathon Austin, International Man of Intrigue.
Dysert: It’s more like the International Man of Ineptitude. Two guys couldn’t combine to do better than any one of us. Sort of a Two Musketeers thing- Two for One and As One, Done.
Moderator: Both Jonathon and Austin will be here for the rest of the year. They both can provide valuable feedback for future members. This is not the first time this has occurred and it won’t be the last. At this point, I’d like to turn our attention to this week’s match-up. It’s a meeting of two top-20 teams and it’s the biggest game of the week as Game Day has selected East Lansing as the focal point for ESPN’s college football coverage. This week’s visitor, Andrew Maxwell, is a 6’3” 212 lb, Junior quarterback for Michigan State and he’ll lead the Spartans in their Big 10 opener against the Buckeyes.
Maynard: Maxwell? Isn’t that interesting. I was just listening to Abbey Road on my i-pod on the way to the meeting and I think it could be an omen of things to come. You know, “Bang, bang Maxwell Silver (bullets) Hammer comes down on your head. Bang, bang Maxwell Silver (bullets) Hammer will make sure Sparty’s dead.”
Maxwell: Very funny. If anyone thinks this is an easy win for Ohio State, they better think again. We’re a talented team with a ton of confidence that has already played a couple of big games against Boise State and Notre Dame. Plus this is OSU’s first road game and it will have a major impact on the Big Ten standings.
Dysert: I saw where you guys struggled last week against Eastern Michigan.
Maxwell: We didn’t play our best, but I think the explanation is the old “trap game”. We played them between Notre Dame and Ohio State.
Bortles: Any chance this could be a “trap” between your games against Eastern Michigan last week and Indiana next week?
Maxwell: No way. This is the Big 10 opener. We know what’s at stake. We’ll be ready to play. Plus, I saw a statistic the other day that OSU is 0-3 on their last three games played on grass and our stadium is a grass field.
Dysert: Did you know that the Bucks are also 0-2 in the last two games in which the girl said “no” on a Jumbo-Tron marriage proposal? You got one of those planned too?
Maxwell: Well, I’m not sure, but I haven’t seen the entire playbook yet.
Maynard: The playing surface is going to have as much impact on the result of the game as the “Magic Johnson Show” did to late night television.
Bortles: Well played my man and I really liked the “alumni zing” you added. Nice touch.
Maynard: This is my third week here. I’m feeling more comfortable.
Dysert: Maynard’s right Andrew. The grass field is a non-factor. You guys could make Braxton Miller run in deep sand while wearing cinderblock shoes and he’d score three times. By the way, are you an agricultural major? What’s with the focus on grass fields?
Maxwell: No, I’m majoring in Marketing.
Austin Brown: And I’m guessing statistics aren’t really your thing, right?
Maxwell: Not really.
Brown: Hey, Jonathon, tell him what marketing majors with no statistics skills do for a living.
Perry: Deliver pizzas or wash buses.
Maxwell: What we’ll be delivering Saturday is a large dose of Le’Veon Bell. We want to line up and come right at the Buckeyes. Our goal is to play physical, Big 10 football and we’ll run at them early and often. I may not have the statistical data, but I think the Buckeyes winning streak is in jeopardy.
Dysert: Jeopardy!! Excellent idea. Let’s go.
Bortles: OK Andrew, here’s how this works. You, Perry and Brown will play against Zac and Zach. I’ll be Alex Trabek. If you pay attention Maxwell, you may learn something. Here are today’s two categories: “OSU Inside the Numbers” and “Prime Time OSU”--this category is all about the Buckeyes and TV’s most popular shows. During the game if you hear this sound, <Ding!!>, you’ve answered correctly and if you hear this sound, <Buzz!!>, your answer is incorrect. Remember all your responses must be in the form of a question. So if you’re ready, let’s play QB Club Jeopardy. Perry you pick first for your team.
Perry: “OSU Inside the Numbers” for $200 please.
Bortles: The answer is, 27 and 13.
Dysert: What is OSU’s career record against Michigan State?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct. Your pick.
Dysert: Numbers for $400.
Maynard: What is the number of freshman that saw playing time last week for the Bucks?
Bortles <Ding!!> Indeed, pick again.
Maynard: Inside the numbers for $600.
Dysert: What is the number of career losses for Urban Meyer and the number of loses at Michigan State for Mark Dantonio?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct.
Maxwell: Is that really true?
Bortles: What, do you think this whole thing is made up? Wow. Dysert, you had the last correct answer, go again.
Dysert: Let’s switch it up a bit, I’ll take “Prime Time OSU” for $200.
Bortles: This is the first thing to go when Ryan Shazier hits you like he hit Zach Maynard.
Maynard: What is The Voice?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct. Where to next?
Maynard: Prime Time for $400.
Bortles: When John Simon and Nathan Williams hit you at the same time.
Dysert: What is the Big Bang Theory?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct, continue.
Dysert: Prime for $600.
Bortles: The answer is, Braxton Miller breaking opponents ankles.
Maxwell: I’ve got this one, what is So You Think You Can Dance?
Bortles: <Buzz!!> No, sorry.
Dysert: What is America’s Funniest Videos?
Bortles: <Ding!!> That’s the one we were looking for. Pick again.
Dysert: Prime Time for $800.
Bortles: The most difficult opponent the Cal Bears played prior to Ohio State.
Dysert: What is the Real Housewives of New Jersey?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct. Make a selection.
Dysert: Let’s finish the category for $1,000.
Bortles: The Spartan Training Room following the game.
Maynard: What is CSI?
Bortles: <Ding!!> Correct. You guys have a big lead keep it going.
Maynard: I’ll take Inside the Numbers for $800.
Bortles: 6 and 1.
Perry: What is the Buckeyes record in the last 7 games played in East Lansing?
Maxwell: Hurray, we got one!!!
Brown: Home field advantage my ass.
Bortles: Last clue for today. The answer is 100%.
Dysert: What are the chances Maxwell is here again next week?
Bortles: <Ding!!> We’ll played guys. Maxwell your team trails 5,200 to 800
Perry: It might not be that close on the scoreboard Saturday.
Bortles: But even though you trail, you can still turn things around in Final Jeopardy. Today’s Final Jeopardy category is “It’s Element-ary Watson”, and note the emphasis on the first part of the second word. You have paper and a pen in front of you and each of you will write down a response to this, “It’s the hardest element”. You have 30 seconds. Good Luck.
(Click below for a total experience. Please note, this includes an audio component.)
Bortles: OK, please hold up your answers so I can see them. Dysert, Maynard, Perry and Brown all wrote down, “What is carbon in the form of a diamond”? That is correct. Each of you double your points. Now let’s move on to our visitor this week, Andrew Maxwell and his answer is “What is 6th grade”? No, I’m sorry Andrew that is incorrect and you lose your points.
Maynard: That won’t be your only loss this week.
Moderator: That’s all the time we have for today. We’ll see you next week. This meeting is officially adjourned.
Donate by Check :
1380 King Avenue
Columbus, Ohio 43212
Help us bring you more Buckeye coverage. Donate to the-Ozone.