The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
BYE Jove, There’s a Meeting This Week
As I approached the Club, I could see the mail truck out front and a line of people lugging bags into the facility. That meant exactly what I thought, “Fan Mail Day” had been planned for this bye week. Getting into the facility was as easy as lending a hand and grabbing a bag.
Here is the transcript from the proceedings…
Moderator: Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. We’re glad you all could join us today. Just because the Buckeyes don’t play this weekend, that doesn’t mean it’s an off day here. There are no bye weeks at the OQbC.
Dysert: That’s right. We need to get our shots in at Scheelhaase for that memorable performance last week in the Horseshoe.
Bortles: It was certainly the worst performance I can remember. 96 yards passing? Are you serious? You completed 19 passes for 96 yards. That’s about 5 yards per reception. I’ve heard of “dink and dunk” offenses, but 96 yards passing is “jive and junk”.
Perry: Or puke and punk
Maynard: And do you want to know the best part? His longest completion was for 12 yards!!! 12 Yards…that’s from here to that wall. I’ll bet you a frog could have completed a pass for more than 12 yards.
Maxwell: Zach, Coach Beckman has a two QB system at Illinois. It’s Scheelhaase and a frog.
Maynard: Then he ought to get the frog more snaps.
Brown: Maynard, here’s the real beauty of that stat. Scheelhaase’s 12 yard pass came on the first play of the last series of the game. That’s right. Down 30, first and ten with 1:26 to play and he goes deep for 12 yards. Not exactly the home run ball.
Perry: Nope, more like a grounder to shortstop.
Scheelhaase: We didn’t, OK, I didn’t play very well on Saturday. OSU hit us with a lot of pressure and the middle wasn’t as open as we’d seen on film. Crossing routes got clogged up and I didn’t have time to look deep.
Dysert: John Simon unblocked on your first play, the zone read, was a sign it was going to be a long day. When you look to see where the defensive end is to make your read of handing off or keeping it and he’s in both your jersey and your helmet, then the correct read is, we’re screwed.
Scheelhaase: The Buckeyes set the tone early and we never really recovered. We kicked a field goal to go up 3-0, but I had a feeling that like a twelve pack at a frat party, it wasn’t going to last very long.
Moderator: Gentlemen, before we get too wrapped up in things, I need to take the roll. Dysert?
Moderator: Bortles, Maynard, Perry, Brown, Martinez, & Maxwell?
Bortles: Bingo!! All here.
Moderator: Coffman, Sudfeld, TerBusch and McGloin?
McGloin: All here.
Bortles: Isn’t that McMoxie?
Moderator: And last, but not least, Nathan Scheelhaase.
Maxwell: Actually in the Big 10 standings they probably are both last and least.
Scheelhaase: I’m here.
Moderator: It’s already been addressed to some point here today, but Nathan that probably wasn’t your best showing last week.
Scheelhaase: No, it wasn’t.
TerBush: Your guy on defense, the guy who hurt his shoulder, and your punter, with two or three punts of less than 25 yards both had better games than you did.
Martinez: I’ll bet you didn’t grade out as champion, did you?
Coffman: If they graded on a curve where anything above a 10 was an “A”, he would have gotten an “F”.
Scheelhaase: I did some things right.
Sudfeld: Yea, you made it to the correct locker room at halftime and you made it here so we’ll change the grade to “D-“ Congratulations.
Scheelhaaase: We have three games left and we can turn things around to end the season on a positive note.
Perry: Any of you Big 10 guys still have to play the Illini?
TerBush: We play them in a couple of weeks. I’ll make sure they don’t turn it around against us.
Bortles: Really? You’re going to make sure they don’t turn it around? I’d feel safer on the back of Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle than with you guys in the lead late in the game.
Moderator: Gentlemen, with this being a “bye” week and no guest scheduled, we thought we’d take this time to answer some of the letters we’ve received here at the Club.
Scheelhaase: You get mail?
Moderator: We get lots of mail. Most of it comes from the Dead Letter Office—kid’s letters to the North Pole and financial scams from Uganda—but we do get actual questions from fans. Some of these folks see us as a knowledge center of the history, tradition and foresight of college football.
Maynard: Those are the same folks who write Santa Claus and send the Ugandans money, right?
Moderator: Zac Dysert, if you would bring me the bag of letters, we’ll get started. Here’s how this will work gentlemen, I’ll select a letter and ask one of you to craft a reply. The Club’s Stenographer is here to record your answers and we’ll make sure a response goes out in the next 24 hours.
Moderator: Letter #1. I’ll ask Tyler Martinez to answer this letter. It’s from a T. Brando and he, or she, asks, “is it just me or is Auburn the best two-win team in the country”?
Perry: Brownie and I will handle this one. Not only is Auburn not the best two-win team in America, they’re not the best two-win team in Alabama!!!
Brown: That’s right. Who’s the best two-win team in Alabama?? WE ARE!!!
Maynard, Martinez, Coffman, Sudfeld & TerBush: PICK SIX!!!
TerBush: (ashamed) Sorry, wrong meeting. Kind of a Pavlovian thing.
Moderator: The next question is for Andrew Maxwell and it comes from Coach Randy Edsell of the Maryland Terrapins and he writes, “I’m in seriously need of quarterback help. We’ve lost four quarterbacks to ACL injuries and last week against Georgia Tech, I had to start a freshman linebacker at quarterback. I know none of the current members are available but I wondered if someone at a “quarterbacks club” might be able to help”.
Maxwell: Mr. Moderator, it looks like I need to turn that question back to you.
Moderator: Dear Coach Edsell. Good news and bad news. The good news? I do have a year of eligibility remaining. The bad news? I can’t score 750 on the SAT.
Moderator: The next letter comes from a young Kentucky Wildcats fan, nine year-old Bobby Bob Cooter from Squall Holler in Pitchfork County, and he wants to know who will be replacing Joker Philips as head coach and can we give him optimism for the future of UK football. Bortles, this one is for you.
Bortles: I guess you could say it “wasn’t in the cards” for Joker, but I’m sure there will be a long line of coaches looking for the opportunity to win 3 or 4 games a year in the SEC. As for your optimism, Bobby Bob, a wise person once told me, remember, “optimism is the first step toward disappointment”.
Moderator: Keeping with the card theme, here’s a letter with an interesting question. You’re playing euchre, you’re in position 3, you’re two-suited and because the dealer turned up the King of Diamonds, you’ve got Left, nine, queen. Do you order it up? Moxie, you want to handle this one?
McGloin: I was told there’d be no math questions.
Moderator: Caleb TerBush, this letter is for you. Nadine R. in Twentynine Palms, California, asks, “Kung Pao or General Tso’s”?
TerBush: Neither. Always go with Shredded Pork and Garlic Sauce.
Maxwell: Solid choice, Cuz.
Moderator: The next letter concerns the PAC 12. M. Leach writes, “what’s the easiest way to get out of Pullman, Washington? “ Perry and Brown , why don’t you guys take this one.
Perry: Two options. Number one, make one of your players stand in the storage shed for two days.
Brown: Or, head east on Rt. 8 into Moscow, Idaho and then head north on Rt. 95 all the way into Alberta. Those crazy Canucks play football just the way you like it—wide open with scores in the hundreds. And the best thing is, you don’t have to be concerned about being a successful football coach because Canadians only care about three things—hockey; beer that kicks your ass; and National HealthCare. And when you think about it, it’s the first two that necessitates the third.
Moderator: Here’s an excellent inquiry. One that speaks to the forward-thinking aspect of the Club. This person wonders, “the NBA has been playing games in China and now Brooklyn; the NFL is playing in London; college basketball is playing on aircraft carriers, what’s the next big step for college football?
Sudfeld: Can we take this one? Cam, Martinez, Maxwell and I have been talking about “what’s next” and we think we have a plan that will take college football to the next level. And since it’s just us guys we can keep this in private. Here’s the thought, it’s a one-day, 24-game extravaganza featuring teams from the Big 10, SEC, Big 12 and Pac 12. It replaces the existing League Championship Games, helps solidify the bowl selections and clarifies the National Championship game. Oh, and it’s made for TV, provides revenue for the leagues and raises money for worthwhile causes.
Coffman: We know the SEC and the Big 12 have an alliance and I think they just announced some sort of championship game in the Sugar Bowl, but our idea replaces that one. Here’s how it works. These four conferences play a head-to-head series on the first Saturday in December. It’s the top 12 teams in each league going against each other.
Sudfeld: Rather than the League Championship Games.
Coffman: Exactly. The series rotates between leagues and one league is the “host” each year. That is, all the games played in stadiums of the “host” league. For example, year one, the SEC visits the Big 10 and the Pac 12 visits the Big 12. The top teams play each other, the second place teams play each other and so on down to the 12th place teams. In this scenario, as of the current standings, Alabama would play at Ohio State; Florida would play at Nebraska, LSU at Michigan and so on. The next year each league would play another league and the home teams in year one would have to travel in year two.
Maxwell: There are still lots of logistical issues to be determined, but each game would be televised. 24 games in one day across eight TV networks—Big10 Network, PAC 12 Network, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ABC, Fox and CBS. Each network gets a Noon, a 3:30 and an 8:00 game. We’re calling it the “College Football Saturday Spectacular”.
TerBush: You mentioned it would raise money. How would that work?
Sudfeld: A portion of the tickets sold would go to a good cause like the Boys and Girls Club to help kids get involved in physical activities.
Bortles: What about the teams that aren’t in those conferences?
Martinez: You guys can put your own deals together. Conference USA versus the Mountain West, or ACC versus the Big East. You can get the Food Network, PBS, Comedy Central or somebody to televise it. They all are looking for programming. The WAC could play the Sun Belt and air on the Home Shopping Network in the middle of the night. The possibilities are endless.
Scheelhaase: What about NBC?
Coffman: On that Saturday night they could show new episodes of Law & Order SVU or Notre Dame highlights.
Moderator: I think it’s an ambitious plan.
Perry: I think it’s a ridiculous idea.
McGloin: And that’s why we’re talking about it here, because the Opposing Quarterbacks Club is where ridiculous lives.
Moderator: Gentlemen, that’s all the time we have for today. Best of luck to you all in your games this week. We are officially adjourned.