We are now almost two months away from the start of the
100 Headlines From The Upcoming 2011 College Football Season
By Tony Gerdeman
college football season. That may sound like it's right around the corner, but we are still ten Saturdays away from the first weekend.
Because nobody likes to wait, I thought I'd do everybody a favor and give you some snapshots of how the season is going to transpire. This will hopefully give you a broader spectrum on the happenings-to-be this season and should aid you in your enjoyment of the greatest sport ever invented.
So with that in mind, here are 100 college football headlines that will find their way in your Twitter feed, newspapers, websites, television scrolls, and text alerts. Enjoy.
1. Rich Rodriguez Vows To Find 'Real Killer' Of Michigan Football; Resumes Golfing
2. 17 Arrested, 3 Dead at Bielema's Self-Described 'Best Bachelor Party Ever!'
3. Cam Newton Statue Unaware It Was Ever Commissioned
4. TCU Strips Copper Piping On Way Out Of MWC
5. Houston's Case Keenum Hopeful He Won't Wreck Fantasy Teams For Second Consecutive Year
6. New Illinois AD Gives Zook Vote of Meh
7. Fiesta Bowl: 'I am Sooooo Wasted!'
8. LSU Statue Of Les Miles Also Mulches
9. Garcia To Spurrier: 'Tastes Great...'; Spurrier To Garcia: 'You're Suspended...Until Saturday.'
10. Paterno Refuses To Name Starting Quarterback Until Somebody Hands Him A Roster With Phonetic Spelling
11. Jerry Kill Grows Back Mustache, Charm
12. Today's College Football Players Lament Lack Of Father Figure To Broker Secret Deals
13. Report: Bearcats Once Again Enjoying The Squalor
14. Michigan Linebackers Excited To Finally Learn About Defense, Linebacking
15. Butch Davis Happy To Be Back To Counting Suspensions On Just One Hand
16. Florida RB Picks Up Short-Yardage First Down, Gator Nation Stunned
17. Texas, Mack Brown Getting Used To Once Again Being Texas, Mack Brown
18. Pac 12 Tries To Return Colorado To Big XII, States Cousin 'Got Them The Same Thing'
19. Sooners Too Talented To Succumb To "Stoops Choke", Say Overconfident Players
20. Evil Michigan Secret Society Glad It Can Finally Stop Trying To Get Rich Rodriguez Fired
21. Auburn Uses 'We're Cool, Right?' Defense In Asking For Cam Newton Investigation To Be Dropped
22. Urban Meyer Spending More Time With Family...Via Skype
23. Boise State Finding Complete Ease Of MWC Reminiscent Of Complete Ease Of WAC
24. Randy Shannon's Little League Team Misses Playoffs But Has Zero Groundings
25. Longhorn Network Acquires Big XII Network; Cancels 'Dan Beebe's Auction Hunt'
26. Man Bores All With Own College Football Playoff Plan
27. OSU Hires Full-Time Tattoo Artist, 'Problem Solved' Says Gene Smith
28. Les Miles Tried To 'Find Out What Came After Zero' In Loss To Alabama
29. Hoke Restores Wolverines Back To Former Michigan Glory With 8-4 Season, Painful Bowl Loss
30. ESPN Launches New Channel "ESPN OSU" In Order To Get Back to Regular Programming On All Other Networks
31. Tommy Tuberville Accepts 2004 BCS Championship On Behalf of Absolutely Nobody
32. Nick Saban Releases Blues Album 'When There's No One Left To Cut'
33. Phil Fulmer Accepts Tennessee AD Job; Vows to Clean Up Alabama
34. Vanderbilt Still Playing Football Despite Inability To Play Football
35. NCAA Prez Emmert To Ohio State: 'Go Pick A Switch'
36. BCS Unfair, Say Losers
37. In Midst Of 4-4 Season With Unhappy Fans, Gene Chizik Calls Press Conference To Release Kraken; Auburn Fans Flood Streets To Repent, Roll Kraken
38. Bill Stewart Spends Retirement Rocking On Porch, Sipping Tea, Saying 'Yep' Every Now And Again
39. Lane Kiffin's Love Of Squirrel Meat Remains Only Proof He Ever Lived In Tennessee
40. Music City Bowl Halftime Show Featuring Whitney Houston And Bobby Brown Elicits Record Twitter Snark
41. Gator Receivers Unclear On Purpose Of Route Running
42. Stanford Beats Cal, Hundreds Moderately Bummed
43. ESPN Bans Colt McCoy's Wife From Appearing On All Networks
44. ESPN The Magazine Puts Newbery Award Winner On Cam Newton Case
45. Heisman Front-Runner Bauserman Creates Stir With Ben Roethlisberger Eye Black
46. Notre Dame Tops Michigan 42-35 In Greatest Game Ever; Michael Floyd Immediately Hands Over Car Keys To First Person He Sees
47. BYU Enjoying New-Found Independence, Though Still Brings Laundry Home When Visiting MWC
48. Weis To Muschamp: 'It's Still Just Nine Wins For A BCS Berth, Right?'
49. Notre Dame's Dayne Crist In QB Battle With Some Other White Dudes
50. Brady Hoke's BBQ Sauce Finally Hits Stores
51. Hurricanes Ready For Season After Secret Wayans Summit
52. Andrew Luck Says No To NFL, Yes To 7-5
53. McGloin Throws Costly Interception In Nittany Lion Loss (Not A Repeat From Last Three Weeks)
54. No Longer AAU Member, Nebraska Joins "Good Enough In Science And Stuff Coalition" Popular Among SEC Teams
55. In "Longest Offseason Ever", Buckeye Fans Shocked, Depressed To Learn It Is Still Only July
56. Sun Belt Signs Lucrative TV Deal To Stay Off TV
57. SEC Hardens Stance On Oversigning Citing Coaches' "Uncontrollable Urge To Cut Players"
58. Taylor Martinez Maturing, No Longer Spends Halftime Playing Legos, Pulling Pigtails
59. Michigan Lands Their Tallest Recruiting Class In Four Years
60. Ohio State Football Player Buys Car, Nation Outraged
61. Holgorsen's 'Ocean's 14' Screenplay Is A Go
62. Pac 10 Now Officially Pac 12, Nation Unaware
63. On Whim, Villanova Joins Big East Football, Wins Conference By Three Games
64. Arizona State Fan Could've Sworn Dennis Erickson Was Fired A Couple Of Years Ago
65. Frat News: Cotton Bowl Pledges BCS, Hears Parties Are Awesome
66. Reputed Raffle Rigger Embroiled In Bingo Bust
67. Bama Defeats Auburn 31-17; Chizik: 'Toomer's Corner Trees Died In Vain'
68. Saban Signs Starting Sophomore QB To Two-Year Scholarship Extension
69. Oregon Pays $25,000 for $25
70. Ray Small: 'I Misquoted Myself'
71. Big East Wants To Add Four More Teams, 'It Doesn't Really Matter Which Four' Says Commish
72. Stanford Tree (Alcohol) Poisoned
73. Tuberville To Heisman Trust: "I'll Take Reggie's Heisman"
74. College Football Too Violent, Say Pansies
75. Ducks Manhandled In BCS Yet Again, ESPN Forgives Them
76. Texas Shoves Iowa State Into Locker, Takes Bowl Money
77. Razorback Dropsies 'A Thing of the Pass'
78. Chip Kelly Can't Stop Talking About 'This New Show Called "LOST"'
79. Paul Johnson Becoming Less And Less Of A Genius
80. Pac 12 Talking To Google, Apple; SEC Talking To The Sides Of Old Barns
81. Hoke Runs Out Of Gas In Ohio, Pushes Car To Michigan State Line; Car Immediately Stripped By Ruffians
82. Butch Davis Thankful For Media's Lack Of Interest
83. Denard Robinson Wins September Heisman, Puts It With His Other One
84. Notre Dame Points To Increase In Licensed Coin Purse Sales As Proof Of Relevance
85. Hokies Looking Forward To Season, Excited To Learn When Annual Collapse Will Happen
86. Heisman Trust Asks Newton To Return Trophy; Newton "I Am Not Aware Of Any Trophy?"
87. Bobby Bowden Admits He Thought '20-Hour Rule' Was For Coaches, Not Players
88. Urban Meyer Takes Job at Eastern Michigan in Mid-Season; Meyer: "To Hell With My Kids, I Can't Stand Mark May."
89. Michigan Football Players Able To Wear Varsity Jackets Again!
90. Pac 12 Almost Sells A Game Out!
91. ACC Championship Game Attended Mostly On Purpose
92. Jacory Harris Vows To Cut Down On Interceptions, Unattainable Vows
93. Dr. Lou Busted For Providing Illegal Prescriptions
94. Texas A&M Primed For Spectacular Flop
95. Boise State Defeats Georgia, Broncos' Conference Schedule Immediately Validated
96. Russell Wilson Makes Badgers Favorites To Have Locker Room Issues
97. John L. Smith To Dana Holgorsen: "I Want My Shtick Back"
98. Tressel Pays $250K Fine Via Wink And Nod
99. Pitt Fires QB Coach Mackey Sasser
100. Joe Paterno Says He Was Unable To Take Call From Robert Bolden Because He Was At Ethel Merman Concert
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