Please patronize our advertisers to help
keep theOzone.net free for everyone.

The-Ozone.net Mall

Interesting, Fun companies with interesting, quality products - and the-Ozone gets a piece of the action!

Football
College Football Do's and Don't's (punctuation explained later)
By Tony Gerdeman

In case you haven't seen the front page (which would seem unlikely since you've made it this far), judging by the sheer volume of stories from the Big Ten media days, it's quite apparent that even though there is no actual action on the field, football season is finally here.

Because football season is here, it's probably a good time to go over some fan etiquette, because there's nothing more annoying than a fan who lacks etiquette. (I'm looking at you, Madison. Why can't you be more like the Northwestern fans—they're so polite that they don't even bother to show up and cause a ruckus.)

Here are some do's and don't's (there's just no good way to spell that) for Big Ten fans regarding various scenarios that you may come into contact with this season. Think of them as rules of thumb—unless you have toe thumbs, then the rules would be a little bit wider and stubbier. (Your thumb mileage may vary.)

So here we go...

Don't let your wife see you crying if...

...your favorite player is lost for the season due to injury.

Do let your wife see you crying if...

...during the birth of your first child, you see your favorite player lost for the season due to injury.

Don't be shocked if Michigan...

...starts the season 11-0.

Do be shocked if Michigan...

...finishes the regular season 12-0.

Don't be upset when Michigan State...

...starts their Big Ten season 1-4.

Do be upset when Michigan State...

...blows a lead late in the fourth quarter against an SEC team in their bowl game, enabling the ever vigilant national media to point and say, “See!? Told you!”.

Don't give up yet on Terrelle Pryor when...

...things don't click as quickly as you think they should.

Do give up on Terrelle Pryor when...

...he transfers after the season saying he wants to take his talents to South Beach.

Don't take a call from your Penn State acquaintance when...

...the prison is asking if you'll accept the charges.

Do take a call from your Penn State acquaintance when...

...he calls at halftime of the Alabama game in order to tell you about the crooked refs, security, police, elected officials, red coats and local comptroller who are all instrumental in their current 27-0 deficit.

Don't feel too sorry for Iowa when...

...they can't find a running back who can stay healthy.

Do feel sorry for Iowa when...

...they're forced to start Paki O'Meara's walk-on son “Paki Junior” at running back.

Don't be surprised if...

...Indiana beats Michigan in football.

Do be surprised if...

...they also do it in basketball.

Don't feel bad for Northwestern when...

...they start the season with a loss at Vanderbilt.

Do feel bad for Northwestern when...

...the Vanderbilt fans chant, “That's alright. That's okay. You'll be working for us some day.”

Don't smash your television with a sledgehammer if...

...Mark May picks Michigan over Ohio State.

Do smash your television with a sledgehammer if...

...Mark May happens to be pinned under your television.

Don't throw away your Tate Forcier jersey when...

...Denard Robinson begins the season as the Wolverines' starting quarterback.

Do throw away your Tate Forcier jersey when...

...Forcier joins Sam McGuffie at Rice.

Don't disown your Iowa cousin if...

...he tells you that Kirk Ferentz's fourth Big Ten Coach of the Year Award was justified.

Do disown your Iowa cousin if...

...he happened to be one of the voters.

Don't get upset at your pregame meal when...

...the nachos get soggy and the pizza is bland.

Do get upset at your pregame meal when...

...the television shows Todd Blackledge heading back to Wisconsin to enjoy another Scrambler.

Don't be alarmed when Ricky Stanzi...

...has an interception returned for a touchdown.

Do be alarmed when Ricky Stanzi...

...claims that everybody intercepting him hates America.

Don't be surprised when...

...Miami is leading Ohio State in the fourth quarter.

Do be surprised when...

...the lone Miami fan in attendance has actually stayed long enough to see it.

Don't lock yourself in the bathroom and only come out for pizza if...

...the Big Ten finds itself in a four-way tie for the conference championship.

Do lock yourself in the bathroom and only come out for pizza if...

...Michigan is one of those final four and Ohio State isn't.

Don't imagine what life would have been like had you never been born when...

...a last minute drive falls just inches short.

Do imagine what life would have been like had you never been born when...

...your team becomes the new Sparty after repeated last-minute losses.

Don't lose sleep when...

...Ohio State can't gain any ground on Alabama in the polls.

Do lose sleep when...

...Ohio State can't gain any ground on Notre Dame in the polls.

Don't panic if...

...you've made room on Kirk Ferentz's trophy shelf and Iowa only finishes 7-5.

Do panic if...

...you haven't made room on Kirk Ferentz's trophy shelf and Iowa finishes 9-3.

Don't feel bad for Penn State when...

...quarterback Kevin Newsome is referred to as “The Poor Man's Michael Robinson”.

Do feel bad for Penn State when...

...they make that statement in reference to Newsome's throwing ability.

Don't be startled if...

...Joe Paterno is allowed to come back for another season.

Do be startled if...

...Ron Zook is allowed to come back for another season.

Don't get all holier-than-thou when...

...a player from your least favorite team gets linked to an agent.

Do get all holier-than-thou when...

...a player from your favorite team is entrapped by that same agent.

Don't be disappointed when...

...Wisconsin loses at Michigan.

Do be disappointed when...

...that win still isn't enough to save Rich Rodriguez's job.

Don't be surprised if...

...you read some farcical piece on the Big Ten, and Minnesota, Purdue and Indiana are hardly mentioned.

Do be surprised if...

...you read some farcical piece on the Big Ten, and somebody doesn't make a lame joke about Joe Paterno's age.

Donate by Check :

Ozone Communications
1380 King Avenue
Columbus, Ohio

Help us bring you more Buckeye coverage. Donate to the-Ozone.

Click here to email this the-Ozone feature to a friend...or even a foe.

(c) 2010 The O-Zone, O-Zone Communications, Inc. All rights reserved.
This material may not be published, rebroadcast,rewritten, or redistributed.