Football
Top-Ten Nicknames for Beanie's Stiffarm
By Tony GerdemanOf all of the thankless tasks I've been assigned in my life, this one might be the thanklessest. I have been asked to whittle the 1,100-plus entries in the "Name Beanie's Stiffarm Contest" down to a manageable and voteable ten. And I have. But it was not easy. For those of you whose entries didn't make the top ten, rest assured in the fact that you finished tied for eleventh. If being that close to success angers you, then rest assured in the fact that you probably actually finished around 800th.
I do, however, sincerely want to thank everybody that submitted entries. It really lets me know a lot about the readership out there. And that's all I care to say about that.
So, with further adieu, let's talk about some of the entries that didn't quite make the cut.
Didn't Quite Make It List
"Rubber Biscuit" - I have no idea what this means, or what it has to do with anything, but it did make me laugh, so for that, it gets mentioned.
"Grond (the battering ram in the Lord of the Rings trilogy)" - I remember when I was--I think--a sophomore at Ohio State and we had basketball season tickets behind the opponents' bench, so we were in prime seating for heckling players and coaches. One of the noobs in our section was intent upon creating a chant, but his suggestions were just too long and drawn out, so a vet had to explain to him that for something to catch on with the masses, it has to be quick and to the point. That's why "Hey _______, you suck!" has lasted so long.
"The Staybackanator"; "Slow-downarotor"; etc - Perhaps the most consistent entries were the "-ators", "-otors"; "-izors" and "-azers". Sadly, only one of these made the list of ten.
"Hurty Oucherton" - Come on, let's be serious here.
"El Muerto" - But not that serious.
"The Sarah Connor" - Sorry, but if we're going to name Beanie's stiffarm after a woman, that list begins and ends with "Maude".
"Beaniesiology" - Hmm, "The study of motion induced by Beanie Wells". I like this one, and it would probably make a great week of classes for a General Studies major at Michigan.
"The Scarlet Johandsson" - I appreciate the effort, but I'd appreciate a little more.
"Head-On (applied directly to the forehead)" - I love this one because most of my desire to see a nickname given is so Brent Musburger uses it during a game. And I would love to see him repeat this three or four times after a nice stiffarm. But alas, it did not make the cut.
"The Parachute (it really slows down the tackler)" - I see this completely different than the person who submitted it. When I think of parachutes, I think of soft landings. Perhaps if "The ACME Parachute That Is Actually Loaded With An Anvil and/or Silverware" was submitted, there would be more consideration.
"The Rhino-Blasty" - This is good. Definite top eleven.
"WOMP (weapon of mass destruction)" - An acronym is only an acronym if you get the letters right. If you don't get the letters right, then it's just a non-sequitir following four upper-case letters. Don't worry, I've done it before as well. (Not that that should be any reassurance.)
"Beanie's Cannon in O Stadium" - This is pretty good, but perhaps too cultured.
"Stiffarmimus Prime" - Proof that too much culture probably wouldn't be a bad idea.
"1st Degree Miss-da-Beanor" - I love a good pun almost as much as anybody. Unfortunately, even the best puns leave you groaning. (Hey, maybe that's what makes this perfect--even the nickname leaves you groaning!)
"The Reverse Lydell" - Ouch.
"The Grinch whose toll is a Chris Miss" - Nice work on the pun. I'm guessing your family doesn't appreciate your talents.
"Thunder Salad" - One of my favorites, and a definite Grade A fantasy team name. I'm guessing that if Mr. T ever recorded an album, he would've named it "Thunder Salad". Maybe the next contest we have can be to come up with the track listing for "Thunder Salad".
"The Don't Bean Me Bro!" - Probably my favorite submission, but not really a nickname. It makes me laugh just thinking about it now.
"Sir Plus of Hurt" - This makes me laugh giggles of pain.
"The Rubber City Ramrod" - This conjures pain of a different kind.
"Senor Al Chihuahua" - No comprende.
"The Ninfo Musher" - I don't even want to know.
"The Prosecutor" - I like the name, but we can't call it "The Prosecutor" because it would never be allowed in Happy Valley.
"The Ambulance" - Generally, ambulances take you away from the scene of the incident--they don't cause it.
"The Get Out of My Way I'm Looking for Carson Palmer" - I'm sorry, you want the "Name Kimo von Oelhoffen's Knee Shot"...it's down the hall.
"The Scarlet Pumperstiffy" - Yes, it would be funny to hear Brent Musburger say this, but not in relation to anything football-related.
So that's just a few of the ones that didn't make it. Here are a few of the ones that almost made it...
Almost, but no Kirk Barton Cigar
"The Hand that Rocked the Crable" - I know this was a favorite of many and it's probably an upset that it didn't make the final ten. However, we can't have a nickname based on a Michigan Wolverine. It gives them too much respect and it becomes more about the Wolverines than it does Beanie. Sorry.
"The Armada" - Of all the submissions that finished eleventh, this one finished the most eleventh.
"The Columbus Dispatch" - This was definitely one of the best submissions, but there may be trademark infringement issues that I didn't really want to mess with. Same with "The Beanie SA Today"; "The Wall Bean Journal"; and "The Man Turn".
"The Maul of America" - This is a great one, but more apt for a Golden Gopher--assuming they can ever get back to the point where people feel close enough to them to want to give them nicknames other than "Sport" and "Champ".
"The Working Stiff" - The best--and cleanest--use of "Stiff" in the entire contest. For that, you should be commended.
So that brings us to what you've already scrolled down to see--The Top Ten. So, without further babblage, here they are:
Top Ten
"The Debacler" - If you don't know why this nickname is awesome, then you need to go here and do some research.
"The Varsity Club" - Some folks may feel that this nickname is too geographical and enough people won't get it. However, as I've mentioned, much of this hinges on Brent Musburger's acceptance--and I guarantee you he'd know and accept "The Varsity Club".
"The Man-Boy Separator" - Not to be confused with the joke about how you separate the men from the boys in Ann Arbor (...with a crowbar).
"Pushy Galore" - I realize I'm backtracking on my "no nicknames based on females", but the idea of Brent Musburger doing Sean Connery impressions is too much to pass up.
"The Second Amendment" - Perhaps the most apt, but is it apt enough?
"The Reckoning" - I like this one because it brings about an air of impending doom. Although it begs the question why "Impending Doom" isn't on the list.
"Fear Itself" - Aside from the SEC, it's the only thing we have to fear.
"The Crucible" - This is one of my favorites, even though it might be too obscure for some. You may think that that might be too much of a generalization, but after reading "The Jefferson Seeing Stars-ship" again, I would tend to disagree.
"The Tumbler" - "The Tumbler" is the name of the new Batmobile, so I think this is a great suggestion. However, if it is instead named after a seven-year old girl in gymnastics, then we'll have to rethink this.
"The Weekend at Beanie's" - I don't even think I really noticed this one until today, and it was number 391 on the list. It had never grabbed my attention until I started thinking about what it entailed. In "Weekend at Bernie's", you had a dead guy being treated like a rag doll. In "Weekend at Beanie's", you have the same thing, but with the living. It's a nice fit.
So there you have it.
Ten suggestions from readers sort of just like you.
(But a little bit better at nicknaming.)
Cast your votes as the rules apply. And then when a winner is named, let's celebrate it and not become bitter that our submission wasn't acknowledged and try to start an underground campaign to rename the stiffarm "Fistaneous ComBuction".
Thanks all, and happy voting!
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