Football
Gerdoni the Great Predicts
By Tony Gerdeman

Now that Spring Football is upon us, it's time for all of the great football stories to start popping up. Stories that anger us, depress us, rile us up and then anger us some more.

In order to prepare you for what is to come, I've provided 100 headlines that you may be seeing this year. Hopefully these headlines can act as a type of spring training for the fans to get you ready to spew justifiably reactive bile. But remember, it's just spring training--none of it counts yet. (Besides, you should save your venom for the regular season, when many writers need it to justify their existence.)

100 Headlines That May or May Not Happen This Year

1. With third win of season, Charlie Weis becomes the 3,027th fastest coach to reach 25 career victories.

2. Nintendo releases "Noel Devine's Punchout" for the Wii.

3. ESPN blasts 18-year old for not being a 30-year old; vows he'll never be "Now" or "Next" and will never have his mascot's head placed on any of their employees.

4. After 42nd player arrest, Nick Saban says profiling in Tuscaloosa must stop.

5. Penn State players miss the camaraderie of Trash Day; vow to "get the band back together".

6. Happy Valley Police announce threat level "Blue".

7. Pete Carroll releases rap debut--"Best rap we've ever heard!" raves crush-stricken media.

8. Rick Neuheisel angers Pete Carroll, calling him "Poor Man's Vanilla Ice with less fashion sense".

9. After Neuheisel potshot, Carroll challenges Slick Rick to shirtless rap-off for charity.

10. With season opening wins over Western Carolina and UT-Chattanooga, Bobby Bowden declares team "ready for anything" and "quite capable of the forward pass."

11. Appalachian State shows up at Michigan's house with flowers; wonders why calls not returned.

12. Tim Tebow finishes second in Heisman voting; Urban Meyer declares shenanigans.

13. Texas quarterback Colt McCoy copes with deepening mediocrity.

14. Seven Volunteer players injured in fishing accident when dynamite detonated too close to the surface.

15. Joe Paterno considers coaching full time from press box; players secretly worry he may get too involved.

16. ESPN names Urban Meyer "Coach of the Year"; Pete Carroll retains "Dreamiest Coach of the Year" by wide margin.

17. Les Miles punches horse outside of Baton Rouge saloon; Miles: "I thought it was a werewolf."

18. Irish quarterback Jimmy Clausen says winning the Heisman wouldn't be surprising given that he is Jimmy Clausen, after all.

19. Buckeyes brace for backlash after beating USC in a "down year for the Trojans".

20. Ann Arbor News reports water wet; flowers smell nice.

21. Maniacal South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt tears ACL in sleep; Leavitt: "I had a dream I was sleeping and I just lost it."

22. Scalpers declare September 20 game featuring Northeastern at Syracuse "the worst thing to happen to scalping since Little Big Horn."

23. After three years of success, Arkansas again prepares for life without talent.

24. Kirk Ferentz on his players' year-long battles with the law: "The fact is that there's just too much to do in Iowa City to avoid this sort of thing, what with all of the tractors and beer."

25. Rich Rodriguez dismisses the notion of a recession citing record sales of snake oil and wizardry lessons.

26. After banning guns from his team, Miami head coach Randy Shannon next set to ban "swordplay".

27. New Irish defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta on Notre Dame's poor defensive performances this season: "I just don't get it; we look so good in practice."

28. NCAA declares lack of institutional control on itself for their inability to nail USC despite 3.4 metric tons of evidence.

29. Hell-bent on complete control of their product, Big Ten Network refuses to allow any football games to be televised.

30. Fledgling SEC Network hires Babe Winkelman as studio analyst for all sports.

31. Brent Musburger sets world record 19-story beer bong during halftime of Red River Rivalry.

32. BYU suspends fullback for suggestive winking; player claims he had a sty.

33. Jim Tressel eschews the sweatervest claiming the sleeveless attire has gone "too commercial" and has "lost its edge".

34. Florida State quarterback Drew Weatherford on why he's struggling: "I'm Drew Weatherford, idiot."

35. After beating the Irish 27-21, Ty Willingham tells Notre Dame "No hard feelings, #!%@#&%."

36. Is Joe McKnight the next Reggie Bush? Century 21 thinks so.

37. LSU suspends Ryan Perrilloux for 9th time; still expected to start against Florida.

38. Report: Children (or teachers) who ate paste in school 84% more likely to engage in conference-affiliation chants.

39. Mitch Mustain in midst of quarterback battle; Mom says "We may have to explore other options".

40. A season after transferring from Notre Dame, Bearcat quarterback Demetrious Jones happy for "unbelievable" opportunity to actually win bowl game.

41. Affable Buckeye fans oblivious to irony.

42. Joe Paterno found wandering in the Pine Barrens 17 days after walking off of practice field; Family and players "Not surprised".

43. Phil Fulmer on his team's legal troubles: "It's good experience for our players who are looking at pre-law."

44. Rich Rodriguez to West Virginia fans: "Get off my lawn!"

45. After loss at Arizona, Pete Carroll still totally awesome.

46. Penn State wants to make "Fight Club" a varsity sport.

47. Terrelle Pryor calls audible; Six delay of game penalties later, ball is finally snapped.

48. With new raise, Tommy Tuberville is 7th head coach to become highest-paid coach in SEC this year.

49. Will Ferrell signs letter of intent to play for USC.

50. Chris Kattan signs letter of intent to play for UCLA.

51. Charlie Weis resumes play-calling duties, citing attention deficit disorder; Weis: "I'm not getting enough attention."

52. ESPN declares 10-3 USC "National Champions of the World!"

53. Rich Rodriguez on the talent surrounding him at Michigan: "Take me home, country roads..."

54. Joe Tiller mailing it in like an RSVP.

55. Tim Tebow on having a quality tailback: "You mean other players can carry the ball? Does Coach know that?"

56. Two Nittany Lions arrested in attempt to break starting quarterback out of jail.

57. June Jones hangs up the Hawaiian shirt and lei; breaks out chaps, spurs and finger guns.

58. Tommy Bowden introduces game-to-game scholarships.

59. Bobby Petrino tells players he is here for the long haul; agent spits milk through nose.

60. 120,000 Alabama fans show up for Nick Saban autograph signing; marvel at cursive.

61. Paul Johnson on why he waited to take the Georgia Tech job: "I wanted to make sure Reggie Ball was completely gone."

62. Notre Dame wins 9th game (counting scrimmages).

63. New Texas A&M coach Mike Sherman declares new booster newsletter "Juicier than ever!"

64. Per sources, ESPN execs want SEC East to replace Big Ten Conference in BCS.

65. Lee Corso bitten repeatedly while trying to place Uga on his head; some bites actually from Uga.

66. Pac 10 casually laments lack of meaningful television coverage; vows to probably start own network one day if they get around to it.

67. Tim Brando to America: "If you looked this good, you'd be smug too."

68. Jim Harbaugh declares degrees from Michigan "not worth the crayons they're written with".

69. Lloyd Carr miserable failure as studio analyst; former coach refused to speak during halftime segments.

70. Mark May eats live puppy; chides puppy for being "soft".

71. World's oldest living Miami Hurricane fan turns 50.

72. SEC fan loudly declines offer of an O'Doul's.

73. Now 41, Mike Gundy still A MAN!

74. Houston Nutt sees first spiral ever thrown by one of his quarterbacks.

75. Youtube legend Sam McGuffie trying to outshine legacies of Star Wars Kid and Afro Karate Nunchuck Flip Man.

76. Nearly 800 fans pack in to watch Miami's spring game.

77. Steve Spurrier on his quarterback situation: "Aw, hell, I don't know."

78. Darryl Clark named starting quarterback at Penn State; Clark demands recount.

79. With arrest rates up in college football, Barry Switzer admits to missing the game.

80. ESPN report: Pac 10 dominance by USC proof of conference toughness.

81. Louisville AD says playing on Saturday "new" and "different".

82. ESPN's College Gameday goes to three hours to accommodate weekly hour-long Florida "kissy kissy" segment.

83. Lou Holtz directs pep talk at Pittsburgh; Wannstedt: "Have I been fired?"

84. Bobby Bowden perfectly happy to rest on laurels; down-home sayings.

85. Academic scandal at Michigan: Kinesiology too hard? General Studies not broad enough?

86. Ron Zook on his team's inconsistency: "That's the one thing we're really good at."

87. Ty Willingham: "It's always darkest before the dawn." Dawn: "I'm sleeping this one off."

88. Big East asks to be taken seriously; America musses Big East's hair, says "Get out of here, you little scamp."

89. With win over Auburn, Nick Saban declares self above the law; law admits they are powerless to stop him.

90. Oregon quarterback tears ACL; Mike Bellotti tells him to "walk it off".

91. Mack Brown says limelight sucked anyway.

92. As favorite in ACC, Clemson patiently awaits inevitable collapse.

93. Desperate to remind coaches he is still on the team, Penn State's Derrick Williams burns down homeless shelter.

94. Everybody in ACC finishes 6-6; Frank Beamer only coach disappointed.

95. Ohio State to appear in third straight NC game; ESPN to start new college football league in 2009.

96. Dave Wannstedt on Saturday's opener against Bowling Green: "We're gonna go out there and give a brazilian percent."

97. Michigan loses home opener to Utah; Rodriguez blames unusually flat crown.

98. After admittedly being outcoached by Mack Brown, Bob Stoops resigns.

99. Boise State walks up to girl in bar, casually tries to bring up Fiesta Bowl from two years ago.

100. Kimbo Slice declines offer to play for Penn State, saying team culture "just too violent".

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