Football
Tom's Tip Sheet
By Tom Orr with Tony Gerdeman
With the Buckeyes idle this Saturday, many fans view this as the ideal time to take care of some of the nuisances of autumn life; wife-appeasing things like apple-picking, foliage-looking and wedding attendance.
And for some people, that's fine. If it will help not only the quality of your home life, but more importantly the quality of your future football Saturdays, you're more than welcome to stop being a man for one weekend.
For the rest of us, we know there's serious work to be done. The Bucks are ranked no. 8 in this week's polls, making them the top one-loss team in the nation at the moment. But there's still a long way to go. At least six of the seven teams ahead of OSU need to lose in order to get the Buckeyes into the Rose Bowl, and it would be ideal to have no more than one BCS-conference team finish the regular season unbeaten. That means you're going to be keeping an eye on a lot of scores on the ticker Saturday.
Here's the hit list of the 25 BCS-conference teams that still haven't lost: Florida State, Virginia Tech, Virginia, Iowa State, Nebraska, Kansas, Kansas State, Oklahoma State, Baylor, Texas, Texas Tech, West Virginia, Michigan State, Penn State, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Indiana, California, USC, Washington State, UCLA, Florida, Georgia, Alabama and Vanderbilt.
Obviously some of these present more of a challenge than others, because a lot of teams are on there solely because of their reprehensible non-conference scheduling (Texas Tech, Oklahoma State... okay... pretty much every Big XII team not nicknamed "Longhorns").
And the list is guaranteed to drop by at least six schools this weekend when unbeaten Florida plays unbeaten Alabama. Wisconsin plays Indiana, Virginia Tech plays West Virginia, Iowa State plays Nebraska, Kansas plays Texas Tech and Penn State plays Minnesota.
Then there's the small side issue of the two non-BCS unbeatens, UTEP and Toledo. Neither one will keep the Buckeyes from making the Rose Bowl, but if OSU finishes 11-1 and ranked no. 1 and one of those two goes 12-0 (including a thrilling Poinsettia Bowl triumph over the fifth-best team in the Big XII North), some moron somewhere will complain that the little guys got screwed. So you're rooting against those two schools, too.
(Note from Tony: Since I'm going first this week, my strategy of picking whomever Tom didn't will have to be shelved. No worries, though, as Tom is easily predictable.)
Last week: Tony 7-2, Tom 5-4
Overall: Tony 13-11, Tom 12-12, The Quarter: 12-12
Tuesday, Sept. 27
Teams: Toledo (3-0) at Fresno State (1-1)
Time (TV): 9:00 pm (ESPN2)
Line: Fresno State by 9.5
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Fresno State
Tony's Synopsis: The Rockets are scoring 53 points per game right now, but even Glen Mason would be embarrassed by Toledo's schedule so far. They've beaten Western Illinois (who, by the way, beat Iowa Wesleyan this weekend), Western Michigan and (Western) Temple. This will be their first test.
Fresno State is almost 2-0, but a seven point loss at Oregon has made them 1-1. The Bulldogs put up over 500 yards of offense against the Ducks two weeks ago, and there should be more of the same Tuesday night.
This one is going to be a shootout, and I think Toledo will run out of ammo first.
Tony's Pick #1: Fresno State -9.5
Tom's Rebuttal: How can you pick against Toledo, when they've demonstrated such a mastery over Western teams? They would blow out USC right now on a neutral field.
Want a good reason why Toledo will run out of ammo first? Their star quarterback (Bruce Gradkowski) is banged up. Rotund Rockets coach Tom Amstutz has not addressed the nature or severity of the injury, other than to mention that Gradkowski did not practice last week.
If he can't play, the Rockets are going to end up firing blanks more often than Raffy Palmeiro.
Tom's Pick #1: Fresno State -9.5
Wednesday, Sept. 28
Teams: Cincinnati (2-1) at Miami, OH (1-2)
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (ESPN2)
Line: Miami by 13.5
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Miami
Tony's Synopsis: Cincinnati beat Western Carolina 7-3 two Saturdays ago. That should be all of the analysis you need for this one.
Miami is looking to continue their turnaround after an 0-2 start which included a surprising home loss to Central Michigan. The one problem with playing the Bearcats and head coach Mark Dantonio is that he's been around Jim Tressel too long, and the Bearcats are pretty good at just finding ways to hang around.
Dantonio's style--and Cincinnati's lack of offense--make this television appearance about as appealing as two laid-off mechanics giving a puppet show (and not the great shows starring sock puppets, I'm talking about those lame brown paper lunch bag puppets. The kind of puppet that no matter what type of face you draw on it, you can tell he wishes he was a sock puppet. He wishes he could contort his face without leaving lasting creases. That's another thing that's lame about paper bag puppets--they're so envious).
Tom's Rebuttal: This is the problem with letting Tony go first. I was also going to break this one down using an analogy involving out-of-work auto mechanics and puppets.
Now, I'm stuck with my backup plan, which I call "Operation: Menzer." It's named in honor of the fine author of a new book on Ohio State, whose first chapter describes in detail the emotional speech Jim Tressel didn't make before the 2003 Fiesta Bowl win over Miami. The chapter happens to neatly coincide with a post made on the O-Zone message board a few hours before that game, which Tressel has publicly said that he had NOTHING to do with. The author helpfully added details like the tone in Tressel's voice and the look in his "fiery eyes" during the speech he didn't make.
As part of "Operation: Menzer," I will take a random post on the O-Zone message board and transform it into a passionate pregame speech for the game in question.
Let me set the scene for this one: you're deep inside the bowels of IForgetTheNameOfMiami'sStadiumButIThinkItBeginsWithY Stadium. There's a leaky pipe dripping on the worn carpet of the visiting locker room and there's a musty smell in the air. The Bearcat players feel uneasy as they take a knee around their second-year coach Mark Dantonio.
Dantonio pauses for a moment to reflect on the importance of the game. It is, after all, played for a trophy which I think might be a bell, but I don't remember. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if there is a trophy. But no matter; this is a big rivalry game that will play a role in determining which of these neighborhood enemies will have the upper hand with the southwestern Ohio recruits that OSU doesn't want.
Then, with fire in his stomach (from the burrito he had for lunch-he told his secretary "mild" salsa, but that ditz got "hot"), Dantonio's eyes searched the room. He saw the uncertainty in his players' eyes and knew his speech had to set the tone for the evening.
He took a deep breath and said, "Is this year's OSU defense better than 2002? I had my doubts, but I'm really starting to believe they are. Comments?"
Then the Bearcats rose as one and to a man they realized that their impossible dream was neither impossible, nor a mere dream.
Thursday, Sept. 29
Teams: Air Force (2-2) at Colorado State (1-2)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ESPN)
Line: Colorado State by 5
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Air Force
Tony's Synopsis: Don't we pick this game like every week? Go check the archives if you want to know about this one. I'm tired of talking about it.
Tom's Rebuttal: Three hours before kickoff, Fisher DeBerry's eyes fixed on the ceiling tiles in the visiting coaches' office. In his heart, he knew that his men... his team... was ready.
They were one of the most disciplined teams in the nation, thanks to their military bearing. They ran a unique offense and they ran it well.
And their athletic ability was beyond question. After all, DeBerry had seen the movie Top Gun dozens of times. And the athletic skill and prowess of Ice Man, Goose and Maverick was on display for all during the homoerotically-charged volleyball scene. Certainly, his team... his Air Force Cadets were every bit as skilled as the heroic Air Force pilots in that film.
Then, as DeBerry stared at the Top Gun movie poster he brought with him on every road trip, he noticed something. Maverick, Goose and Ice Man weren't Air Force pilots at all. They were Navy pilots.
Panicked, DeBerry bolted out of his small office and into the locker room. His players were shocked-they ever hadn't seen their coach this rattled.
DeBerry grabbed a drink of water to calm his nerves before squeaking out the words, "What time is skull session?"
(Be sure to keep an eye out for my upcoming book, "The Secrets of Ohio State Football: Four and half years worth of stuff I made up while waiting for my turn on the outdoor hoop at the Out-R-Inn")
Friday, Sept. 30
Teams: Pittsburgh (1-3) at Rutgers (2-1)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ESPN2)
Line: Rutgers by 1
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Rutgers
Tony's Synopsis: I'm sure when Dave Wannstedt found out he was going to be on national television so many times this year, he thought it was going to be a good thing. And, per usual, Wanny was wrong. What happens when he has to talk to recruits after these games?
[Phone rings]
Johnny Four Star Recruit: Hello?
Wanny: Hey Johnny, it's coach Dave Wannstedt. How are you doing?
Johnny Four Star Recruit: Um, this isn't me. This is my brother.
Wanny: Oh, okay, I'll call back.
[Click]
One hour later
[Phone rings]
(Phone is picked up, but Johnny Four Star Recruit doesn't speak.)
Wanny: Johnny? Johnny, is that you? I can hear you breathing. Johnny?
[Click]
My advice for any prospective Pittsburgh recruits out there would be to put Wanny on the Do Not Call List.
Tom's Rebuttal: If Johnny signs with Notre Dame, will Tom Lemming draw up the paperwork to have him legally change his name to "Johnny Fivestar," or will he just ask Johnny to do it on his own?
I guess it's not fair to pile on Wannstadt here (and for a change, I'll respect that this time). So here's some actual information.
Just a huge, huge game for Rutgers' bowl hopes. They have two wins (Buffalo and Villanova) and one shoulda-been-a-win-but-oops-we-blew-a-big-lead-against-a-mediocre-Illinois-team-and-lost-and-doesn't-that-stink. They need four more wins in their last nine games to be bowl eligible.
To reach that mark, they'll either need to upset one of the Big East's mediocre-to-bad teams (Syracuse, UConn) or hold serve in the winnable games at home (Pitt, Navy, South Florida, Cincinnati). Let's be honest-they're probably not beating West Virginia or Louisville.
I don't know why I feel the need to break stuff like this down. Unless you're from Jersey (guilty, your honor) or for some reason have a profound need to see the Knights add a second line to their bowl resume after "1978 Garden State Bowl" (seriously), you don't care. This is why we end up making fun of Glen Mason's scheduling or Dave Wannstadt's idiocy every week. Because of people like you who don't care about Rutgers football.
I keep hoping they're going to get over the hump, and I'm not sure why they can't. But it's like Michigan State-no matter how good things look, you keep waiting for the wheels to come off the wagon at some point. And like the Spartans, Rutgers usually doesn't disappoint.
Incidentally, the Scarlet Knights haven't kept a game against Pitt closer than 10 points since an upset win in 1998. (You really like the Wannstadt stuff better than gems like that? I just don't understand you sometimes.)
Saturday, Oct. 1
Teams: #3 Virginia Tech (4-0) at West Virginia (4-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Line: Virginia Tech by 11
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: West Virginia
Tony's Synopsis: Yes, West Virginia is 4-0, and yes, it is due to their schedule. West Virginia has been splitting the quarterback duties between Adam Bednarik and Pat White. White has tremendous speed and is actually leading the Mountaineers in rushing. Bednarik is the slower quarterback and he is third on the team in rushing.
Both quarterbacks can make plays and keep plays alive, but where they struggle is consistency and avoiding mistakes. Right now their mistakes haven't caught up with them on the scoreboard, but they will this week. Bednarik and White need to play perfect games for West Virginia to win, and when you need two quarterbacks to play perfectly, you have no shot to win.
Then there's Virginia Tech. They are giving up 6 points per game and scoring 40. West Virginia should get more than 6, but not much more.
Oh, and Marcus Vick is pretty good. He's been everything they could have hoped for, especially against a weak schedule.
Pick #2: Virginia Tech -11
Tom's Rebuttal: A little birdie told me that Bednarik is nursing an injury and might not be full-speed this week.
Okay, it wasn't a birdie. It was the website of the sportsbook that I looked at, trying to find the lines for this week's games.
Frankly, trusting birds for your gambling information is a good way to lose to an inanimate object, as I did last week. Stupid quarter.
Pick #2: Virginia Tech -11
Teams: Illinois (2-2) at Iowa (2-2)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (Gameplan)
Line: Iowa by 18
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Illinois
Tony's Synopsis: Before Ohio State fans start getting overconfident about what the Buckeyes did to the Hawkeyes, let's not forget that Iowa has yet to beat a Division I-A opponent this year that hasn't been decimated by suspensions. They have also yet to score a touchdown against a Division I-A opponent that isn't based in Muncie, Indiana. In fact, they are only averaging 4.5 points against Division I-A opponents who use most of their scholarships.
This is not a great Iowa team that lost to Iowa State and Ohio State. Fortunately, the last time a team needed to be "great" to beat Illinois was...well, I don't know if that's even ever been a requirement.
One last tip for Iowa: If the team that you're playing has more receivers on the field than you have defensive backs, feel free to substitute somebody in so that your 6'4" 250 linebacker doesn't have to chase a slot receiver all over the place. Unless for some reason you just can't stand that linebacker.
Tom's Rebuttal: Hey Captain Bringdown, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, "shut up!"
No, the Hawkeyes are not going to run the table, but they're not a terrible team, either. They'll win this one and probably finish with about eight wins. They're not a top-15 team (once again illustrating the idiocy of conducting preseason polls), but I think it'll be a while before a Kirk Ferentz team finishes 4-7.
Here's a question guaranteed to get you watching this one: What will Drew Tate do when one of his receivers drops a pass or his line misses an assignment or Iowa loses the coin toss? Curl up in the fetal position and begin sobbing? Pull out a tire iron and skull whoever's responsible?
How come he gets to behave like a spoiled six-year-old and it's just that he's "a competitor," rather than something rhyming with "bass nole?"
Teams: Michigan (2-2) at #11 Michigan State (4-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC-Regional/Gameplan)
Line: MSU by 4
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Michigan
Tony's Synopsis: I've been saying for about ten months now that there is no way that the Spartans can lose this game. They do everything on offense well and Michigan is going to get punch drunk in this one. Drew Stanton destroyed the Wolverines last year before getting knocked out of the game. If Michigan wants to stay within three touchdowns this week, they better think about knocking Stanton out of the game.
Of course that would require them getting a hand on him.
Here's a quick stat for you: Michigan is 0-2 this season against teams without a direction in their school name.
Michigan actually had over a hundred more yards of offense than the Badgers did, but Wisconsin still found a way to win. When a team finds a way to beat you, that says just as much about you as it does them.
Also, Steve Breaston may as well just resign himself to being the Mel Gray of college football. Just return kicks, bub. Mario Manningham has taken your job.
(Was the Mel Gray comparison too outdated? Perhaps I should've said Dante Hall. At least I didn't go Gerald McNeil on you.)
Pick #3: MSU -4
Tom's Rebuttal: I really can't come up with any reason to think that Michigan will even keep this one close.
Yes, their offense will get a shot in the arm if Michael Hart comes back, but that defense has problems. Big, big problems. Those linebackers looked slow and they had a bunch of issues trying to contain a one-dimensional Wisconsin team. Imagine what'll happen when they play a team that can run AND pass on them. Add in the fact that they haven't stopped a running quarterback since Greg Frey, and the fact that the Sparties are mighty cheesed off about the way last year's game ended, and this has "German Shepherd vs. Fire hydrant" written all over it.
But yet... I'm really struggling to overcome the fact that MSU always, always, always screws perfect situations like this up. Remember the woman from Cleveland who claimed she lost a winning MegaMillions ticket a year or so ago? That's the Spartans, just without the idiocy and fraud. (Actually, no. That's just like the Spartans.) They almost never get a chance like this, and have a reputation for finding the banana peel on the rare occasions when they do. They don't deal with the spotlight well because they're in it so rarely.
Still... I'm going with the Sparties.
Pick #3: MSU -4
Teams: #2 Texas (3-0) at Missouri (2-1)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC-Regional/Gameplan)
Line: Texas by 14.5
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Missouri
Tony's Synopsis: Well, anything is possible, I guess. We must never forget that Texas is still a Big XII team, and as such, they will lose to a team that they should not lose to. Unfortunately for Missouri, they've been busy giving up 28 points per game, including 45 to New Mexico.
When the Lobos are hanging half a hundred on you, you have no respect for defense, and no business claiming that you even have one.
However, Mizzou quarterback Brad Smith could make this one interesting. Had Texas not beaten Ohio State, this is a game that Texas would probably win by four touchdowns. However, as long as Texas continues to win, the monkey on Mack Brown's back continues to gorge itself until it will have grown so large, that Mack collapses under the monkey's weight and dislocates a hip and fractures a tibia.
Mack will then have to coach from the press box for the Red River Shootout. The Longhorns will win that one, and the assistant coaches up in the box will shower Mack with Gatorade, causing the computers and electrical equipment to burst into flames.
Each week, Mack will continue to be put in more and more perilous situations until he can finally take a break against Baylor. Then Baylor will beat the Longhorns and Baylor will stop playing football and "retire" with that last victory.
Well, almost anything is possible.
Tom's Rebuttal: Texas might actually rank ahead of Michigan State on the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" scale. They're right up there with the time your socially awkward friend brings home a smokin' hot "girlfriend" and you have the internal "she lost a bet/she's secretly a man/she got gonorrhea from riding a tractor in her bathing suit/she's an escort" debate.
Oh, by the way, they play Oklahoma next weekend. (The Longhorns, not your friend and his girlfriend with the Adam's Apple.)
Teams: Indiana (3-0) at #17 Wisconsin (4-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN2)
Line: Wisconsin by 19
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Indiana
Tony's Synopsis: I bet Brian Calhoun is already losing sleep thinking about running on this defense. He may only get half of the carries that he's used to, but he'll still get the same amount of yards.
Tom's Rebuttal: Wait... you're not suggesting that Indiana's unbeaten dream season is a result of a Big XII-like nonconference schedule, are you? This is absolutely going to be the year the Hoosiers finally put it all together, run the table and make the Rose Bowl! I mean... they have a big rock in the end zone. How could they lose?
My only concern is their schedule, which features trips to Madison, Iowa City, East Lansing and Ann Arbor, as well as visits from OSU and Purdue.
Okay... maybe the rock will only get them to 10-1.
Teams: Mississippi (1-2) at #10 Tennessee (2-1)
Time (TV): 12:30 (Jefferson Pilot/Gameplan)
No Line
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Mississippi
Tony's Synopsis: Ole Miss has lost to Vanderbilt and Wyoming this year. That's like getting beat up by your sister and your grandma in the same game of hockey.
As far as Tennessee is concerned, if Phil Fulmer starts Erik Ainge again this year, I think his team may revolt. Rick Clausen came in against LSU and somehow put the ball in the end zone four times. If his receivers had any ability to receive, that game would've never gone to overtime.
Tom's Rebuttal: The Rebels also barely beat Memphis in a game where the Tigers' quarterback broke his leg in the first quarter.
When people talk about how the SEC is so awesomely dominant and awesome and so good and awesome, they always seem to overlook this stuff. Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Arkansas and Kentucky are dreadful. South Carolina and Vandy are pretty mediocre, and I think the jury is definitely still out on teams like Bama and Auburn. That's half the conference that's mediocre or worse, and two teams that could end up in that group as well. And did you see the Tennessee-LSU game? Yuck. Those are supposed to be two of the three best teams in the SEC
I'm sorry, but I just don't think this league is half as good as people want you to think it is.
Teams: Navy (0-2) at Duke (1-3)
Time (TV): 1:00 pm (No TV)
Line: Navy by 6
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Navy
Tony's Synopsis: Time to break out some haikus...
There is no tv
Because this isn't pleasing
It's just plain torture
....
How many stabbings
Would I rather undergo
Than do a "Duke Watch"?
....
Navy versus Duke
First one to seven points wins
Hurry up and score!
....
If this rates a "1"
Women's football gets a "2"
And paint gets a "3"
Tom's Rebuttal: Right back at ya...
Hope you like rushing
Middies run 52 times
Duke can not stop it.
....
Tony's just jealous
His brother's school is not good
Lost by 66
....
Oh Student Princes
Heidelberg wants you to win
You are 0 and 3
Teams: #4 LSU (1-1) at Mississippi State (2-2)
Time (TV): 2:30 pm (Gameplan)
No Line
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Mississippi State
Tony's synopsis: Mississippi State is due. They got their one good win last year against Florida, maybe they can do something similar against LSU. They actually had a pretty good showing against Georgia, considering that Mississippi State is Mississippi State. They only lost 23-10 and were never really more than two drives away from tying or leading.
Also, what more can you say about Les Miles? Here's a couple of things: (1) You lost the coaching battle when you came out on the field looking like you were taking orders at the drive thru with that little headset. As fidgety as you are, how in the world did you think that thing would stay attached to your head, especially with the multitude of goofy expressions you give. Also, how did you think you were going to be able to hear in that thing? You were outcoached in this game before you even had a chance to blow a call; (2) You had to know you were never going to get the field goal team out on the field, why not just call another play? It's okay to coach on the fly, Les; (3) After a change of possession, you don't need to call a timeout to stop the clock because, you see, the clock automatically stops.
Tom's Rebuttal: I'm going to completely ignore this one and instead use my allotted space to rail against the new Harris Interactive poll. It's important to preface this with the fact that that it plays a role in the BCS, and therefore deciding who gets to play for the national title. We clear on that?
Okay.
In the initial poll of the year, Illinois (a 2-2 team that just lost 61-7, whose wins came over Rutgers and San Jose State) has 13 votes. That's more than 3-0 Nebraska (who admittedly hasn't played anyone yet).
Bowling Green (a 1-2 team coming off an absolute implosion against Boise State, and with only a win over Ball State) has five points, which is more than 3-0 Kansas State (see comment about Nebraska one paragraph above).
That would be the biggest travesty around, except for the fact that the Idaho Vandals also got five votes. Their resume? A 12-point loss to Washington State, a three-point loss to UNLV, a 28-point loss against Washington, and a 24-point HOME loss to Hawaii. They're 0-4, including a spanking in their house against one of the worst road teams in the nation. That's also more votes than unbeaten Toledo, Kansas, Kansas State, Baylor, Oklahoma State and Indiana got. Say what you want about those teams (the most impressive win of the bunch is probably K-State's win at Marshall, and that took an unbelievable brain fart on the part of Marshall's quarterback), but having Idaho on there is just stupid.
There are only a few explanations for this:
1) There is one voter who put them no. 20 (or five people who put them no. 25 or whatever) as an homage to Steve Spurrier's annual preseason vote for Duke.
2) At least one, and maybe more voters confused Boise State with Idaho. I think this honestly could be the case, which illustrates the faith I have in this poll.
3) At least one, and maybe more voters are making a statement about the idiocy of letting people like Harris poll voters play a role in deciding who plays for the national title.
I know that these polls don't really count for anything until the final one in December which gets factored into the BCS equation, but if stuff like this happens again, I think there are some serious, serious issues that need to be dealt with.
On the bright side, at least they waited a month before putting out their first poll, rather than relying on spring ball b.s., hype and program reputation to do their rankings before the first games have even kicked off.
Because if you did that, you would end up putting out something that now looks as ridiculous as having Michigan #4 in the country, Oklahoma at #7, Pittsburgh at #23 and Louisville receiving a first place vote.
Of course, no one is stupid enough to try pushing something like that on college football fans.
Teams: #18 Minnesota (4-0) at Penn State (4-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC-Regional/Gameplan)
Line: Minnesota by 3
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Penn State
Tony's Synopsis: This one is super-intriguing for me. Unfortunately, I'll be at a wedding, so I'll miss it. Let me just jump off on a tangent real quick here and ask a favor. People, stop getting married in the fall. I don't care if it was three years to the day that you bought your first matching tee shirts and you thought it would be romantic. It's not. It's a pain to everybody's football Saturday that you're going to intrude on. (Note, if the folks whose wedding I'll be at on Saturday read this, I'm not talking about you guys. You guys are different.)
Now back to football. Laurence Maroney will have 40 carries and 180 yards. Michael Robinson will be 19-41 throwing. Joe Paterno will look awkward when showing emotion, and sleepy when not. And Glen Mason will continue to freak kids out with those choppers.
Tom's Rebuttal: At least they picked a week the Buckeyes are off. That's slightly, slightly better.
I've been invited to weddings on game days. Assuming the wedding is in or around Columbus, you look at the invitation and then have to try to guess what time they'll schedule kickoff for before responding. There's nothing like trying to go through the Big Ten schedule in late August to figure out if the OSU-Michigan State game in early November is going to be big enough to merit the 3:30 ABC regional coverage, or whether it'll be the noon ESPN game.
I've long been of the opinion that if you schedule your wedding on a fall Saturday, you deserve whatever crappy turnout you get. Don't make people choose between you and the Buckeyes. You won't like the answer.
If you schedule it for the early afternoon of OSU-Michigan day, you should just hold the ceremony in a phone booth.
I would love to see Penn State come into the OSU game unbeaten. That leaves much less chance that the Bucks will overlook them, and much more chance that we'll see the wave of coverage ("Paterno's last roar!" feature in Sports Illustrated, a pointless and rambling offering from any of about seven national college football writers, and if we're really lucky, a Nick Lachey story on the ice cream at the creamery on Gameday) that immediately precedes a monumental collapse.
I just don't think it's going to happen.
(What happened to Nick Lachey, anyway? I haven't seen him for a couple weeks. Did they realize it was a huge mistake and can him? If so, is there a way they can get rid of the gawd-awful guys who sing the theme song, too? Thanks in advance.)
Teams: #5 Florida (4-0) at #15 Alabama (4-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Line: Florida by 4
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Alabama
Tony's Synopsis: Another really good game at 3:30. Can I call in sick to a wedding?
Florida looked pretty good last week, but it was against Kentucky. The only team Rich Brooks can't make look good is his own.
I'm not going to lie to you, I think Alabama is going to win this one. Alabama just wears on their opponents. They never look pretty doing it, but whenever you look up, they're always up by two scores.
After Alabama wins this one, we have to start rooting against them because they have a runnable schedule.
Pick #4: Alabama +4
Tom's rebuttal: I bet this is one of the games where Tony thinks he knows what I'm going to pick and he thinks it's going to mean the difference in who wins this week. He's right.
I think I'm going to need to see a little more out of a David Shula-coached team than we've seen (Middle Tennessee State, Southern Miss, South Carolina and Arkansas) before I pick him against Urban Meyer. Florida wins this one, but it could be close.
Pick #4: Florida -4
Teams: Syracuse (1-2) at #6 Florida State (3-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC-Regional/Gameplan)
Line: Florida State by 21
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Syracuse
Tony's Synopsis: I am truly afraid for Syracuse quarterback Perry Patterson in this one. If you've ever had the desire to be a mediocre quarterback, I recommend that you watch this game and slap yourself for wasting your daydreams. Then I want you to write a letter to your social studies teacher and apologize to them for not paying attention as much as you should have. It would also be a nice touch if you let them know that you still remember that Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota, or Wyoming. One of those states up there, your teacher will know which one you're talking about.
Pick #5: FSU -21
Tom's Rebuttal: Remember the music video for "Enter Sandman" where the semi hits the kid's bed? That's what this one is going to look like when the Orange offense is on the field. Except, of course, for the fact that the kid was able to run away from the truck.
FSU is starting to get me a little nervous. Their defense might be just good enough to get them through that conference unscathed.
The Noles score a defensive or special teams touchdown in this one.
(Syracuse got three votes in the Harris poll, too. Presumably for their impressive win over Buffalo.)
Pick #5: FSU -21
Teams: #1 Southern Cal (3-0) at #14 Arizona State (3-1)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC-Regional/Gameplan)
Line: Southern Cal by 17
Interest: 4.5
Cheer For: Arizona State
Tony's Synopsis: ESPN's Gameday will be at Arizona State this weekend, presumably so that they can gush within Pete Carroll's earshot how amazing it was to watch them beat another Top 25 team by four touchdowns.
I have a "chicken or the egg question" for you. What came first, the greatest offense in the history of college football, or Pac 10 defense?
The Sun Devil's are giving up 24 points per game. If you plug that into the USC conversion scale, that means USC is going to score 48 points.
If Arizona State can score 49, they'll win.
Tom's Rebuttal: I'm assuming "chicken or egg" question is rhetorical, since it seems like the "OMG dominating!!11!11!!" teams always seem to come from sub-par conferences (the current crop from USC, Miami and the Big East a few years ago, Florida State and the eight dwarves of the ACC throughout the 90s, Nebraska in the mid-90s when Texas and Oklahoma were waaaay down, etc.).
When you combine the story about Charlie Weis letting the dying kid call a play with watching USC's win over Oregon last weekend, I think Pete Carroll might have now passed Weis to become the D-1A coach who I would most like to punch in the face.
It's getting difficult to watch USC games where they get eleventy billion calls, play a mediocre team, keep their starters in late to run up the score, and the announcers are lining up to kiss their posteriors.
Would there be anything more satisfying than watching A.J. Hawk blow Leinart up in the Rose Bowl and seeing him crawl around the field like Ken Dorsey did in the Fiesta Bowl?
If we were picking this one, I would take the Sun Devils. I think they could at least make this a game, if not pull off the outright upset.
Teams: #13 Notre Dame (3-1) at #22 Purdue (2-1)
Time (TV): 7:45 pm (ESPN)
Line: Purdue by 3
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Purdue
Tony's Synopsis: I was actually very surprised that Purdue was able to stay with Minnesota as well as they did. Leave it to the King of the Close Losses (His Highness Joe Tiller) to lose another by a touchdown or less. Tiller now has a 14-17 record in games decided by eight points or less since 2000.
After having to defend the rush about sixty times last week, the Boilers face the other end of the spectrum as Charlie Weis will probably have Brady Quinn throwing the ball 45 times Saturday night. Purdue has a versatile defense, and they'll need it as the Irish can run the ball as well.
I almost took the Irish.
Pick #6: Purdue -3
Tom's rebuttal: If you don't want to take the Irish, I certainly will. I'm still not sold at all on the Gophers (and by extension, on teams that play close games against the Gophers), and I don't think Purdue has the horses to turn this one into a blowout. Given that, and Tiller's record in close games (I was actually about to look that up before you mentioned it), I'll take my chances.
Pick #6: Notre Dame +3
Teams: South Florida (3-1) at #9 Miami, FL (2-1)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ESPNU)
Line: Miami by 21
Interest: 2
Cheer For: South Florida
Tony's Synopsis: South Florida put up 45 points in their win over Louisville, and they only completed five passes. Louisville looked truly pitiful trying to tackle and cover. It was an absolutely fitting debut in the Big East for Louisville.
Actually, I think it was probably in the Big East Manual. Let me get my trusty Big East manual out, and see what we can find. Let's check the table of contents, ah there it is in Chapter Six...
Chapter One: What is a football?
Chapter Two: No, that's a basketball.
Chapter Three: Mediocrity and You.
Chapter Four: It's Okay To Cry.
Chapter Five: How Not To Lose (Schedule More Byes).
Chapter Six: It's Not "Choking" If You Were Never Really That Good In The First Place
Chapter Seven: Keeping The BCS Folks Happy
Chapter Eight: Coping.
Chapter Nine: Missing Temple.
Tom's rebuttal: I think it's safe to say the Bulls won't be sneaking up on the Canes this weekend.
Teams: BYU (1-2) at San Diego State (1-3)
Time (TV): 10:00 pm (ESPN-Classic)
Line: BYU by 2
Interest: 1
Cheer For: San Diego State
Tony's Synopsis: Tom, I've posed this question to others before, so let me pose it to you. If there were a greedy land baron trying to get your ranch and you didn't want to sell to them, and this land baron started getting rough with you, which of the following would you call?
a) The A-Team
b) The Fall Guy
c) Knight Rider
d) The Master
e) Other
I've never made a secret of the fact that I wouldn't ever choose the A-Team. Sure their base rate may be $20,000, but when you throw in catering and the cost of all of those broken barroom tables, you're eventually looking at around $35,000.
I think I would have to go with The Master for two reasons. The first being that there's no Michael Knight involved. The second reason would be that ninjas are sweet. Plus, I think you can get about ten ninjas for the price of one A-Team.
I would have to pass on The Fall Guy simply because ninjas drive a harder bargain. Don't get me wrong, though, if The Fall Guy was having a sale or something, I'm there.
Pick #7: BYU -2
Tom's rebuttal: I'm not sure I've been provided enough information to answer the question. What's my financial situation like? If I have the cash, you know I'm bringing in B.A., Hannibal, Face and the rest of the boys. They always... always get the job done, and they never kill anyone (how can such a crack team either be such bad shots or have such a sense of compassion for their fellow man?), so there's no residual guilt.
If cash is a little tighter, then it's a different situation.
If this land in question is in Germany, I've got to go with Knight Rider, for obvious reasons. If this land is near a canal, inlet or fjord, I'll have to go with the Simpsons-inspired Knight Boat.
If they could somehow pipe in the theme song from whichever team I chose so I could listen to it throughout the mission (or I could just listen to it on a continuous loop on my Ipod), I would go with the "Fall Guy." How can you argue with a guy who proudly proclaims "I never spend much time in school, but I taught ladies plenty."
Actually, he might steal your wife/girlfriend, so scratch that. Magnum, P.I. is out for the same reason.
Sadly, I'm going to have to agree with you. I think "The Master" might end up being the answer if money is tight. MacAllister and Max Keller would probably be able to take care of business for you by themselves. If not, you could always call in the Beverly Hills Ninja to help finish the job.
I guess my final answers are: With cash, I'm calling the A-team. Without much cash, I'm dialing "The Master."
Not to get too far off-topic, but SDSU is getting too much credit because they spanked a bad San Jose State team last week.
Pick #7: BYU-2
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